Aequitas

updater hater

2011-07-30T00:02:00.002-06:00

Every so often I hear a song from the 70's or 80's that simply resonates within my soul. The song I heard this evening was Burt Bacharach's music from the movie Arthur. These songs become an all encompassing experience where I can remember in vivid detail many things from my childhood in Calimesa and some things throughout high school. It almost always leads me to think about how my life is simply a million random experiences that could either be complete chaos or entirely divine.

I am amazed continually at the push and pull of life. The gospel and my family pull me in one direction and some of my dearest friends strive to push me in another. I made the decision long ago which I would follow but that doesn't lower the difficulty in life.

S is so amazing. I had no concept of fatherhood or parenting my own child. I am forever grateful for the love my father in heaven has blessed our home with.

There is so much to say that I haven't written down recently I am overwhelmed just sitting here in front of the computer. The following sums up the basic idea of things that have weighed heavily on my mind. It is a talk from conference 2010 and written by D. Todd Christofferson.

“Life offers you two precious gifts—one is time, the other freedom of choice, the freedom to buy with your time what you will. You are free to exchange your allotment of time for thrills. You may trade it for base desires. You may invest it in greed. …

“Yours is the freedom to choose. But these are no bargains, for in them you find no lasting satisfaction.

“Every day, every hour, every minute of your span of mortal years must sometime be accounted for. And it is in this life that you walk by faith and prove yourself able to choose good over evil, right over wrong, enduring happiness over mere amusement. And your eternal reward will be according to your choosing.

really?

2011-02-01T01:40:00.002-07:00

Bad weekend. For real. Some good parts but then again some bad. I learned far more than I wanted to learn about some, who are close to me. I let a few things that have frustrated me recently take control and it showed me once again that I have much to learn. Overall this process of learning life's lessons is great but sometimes it really sucks while in the middle of a sorrowful experience. Its time I rethought some of my goals in life.

"A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply
as something to aim at."
- Bruce Lee

Parenting

2010-11-07T09:43:00.005-07:00

Here it is, my first official entry about parenting. S is now 3.5 weeks old and I've definitely had some time to let the whole thing sink in. There are a few things that I've been wanting to get down on paper so here goes:

1. Being a father is not nearly as weird as I thought it would be. I felt a lot more awkward as a Father to be. It's funny how as new parents we truly don't know our child in any way. It takes time before we see personality in them. There is however a connection we make, inherently, knowing that the child is ours, literally from our own flesh and blood. It must be a natural or divine connection as it doesn't seem like anything I did on purpose.

2. I hate sounding Cliche about everything when I talk to other people about parenting but thats how it goes. I imagine that every father, since time began, has experienced what I am going through to some degree. I have made it a point though, to not let that get to me and when people who genuinely ask about how things are going and how I feel I try and tell them honestly even if I think it sounds silly.

3. She grows at a rate I didn't expect. I didn't realize that babies grow "that" fast. Its incredible. I'm grateful that heavenly father has helped me see the importance of cherishing every moment. Its something I wasn't really able to do particularly well before she was born. I'm glad I took the opportunity to watch her as she was a newborn. Its amazing too.

4. So far, three weeks into it, the thing I hate the most is bath time. She HATES baths and I hate giving them.

Edit: She had her first non sponge bath today and she took it like a champ. If this continues then she'll probably end up a water baby just like her momma.

Life

2010-08-16T00:14:00.003-06:00

So many people and so many different ideas of how life works and how things should be. I'm so glad i have the church in my life guide me to something consistent. thankfully the church is more than mere consistency. its truly is structure and assurance that life will work out. it doesn't matter what happens to us in life.

If you take 100 people that have all lost an arm...or one of the senses...or a loved one, and study their behavior you will find that some of them have bouts of depression or misguided anxiety. Some of them will cope positively and look towards the future with a "perfect brightness of hope". Reality is that we are given the divine ability to choose our actions in response to these extremely life changing situations. I realize that this makes it sound easy but most people know that its not.

We will all cross paths with tragedy at some point in our lives. It may be social. It may be Spiritual. It may be physical. It may be financial. No one can escape this life without pain or sorrow. The beauty in our heavenly fathers plan is that all the pain and all the sorrow can be removed from the deepest reaches of our souls.

Baby

2010-08-08T11:20:00.002-06:00

Its time I started writing here again. I need some sort of journal and I hate writing by hand. This is the easiest way to get things down.

I, like millions of others, am going through the process of pregnancy with my wife. Its so interesting to see how individual I feel when i'm alone with my wife and I'm experiencing the emotions and feelings of being an expecting father but sometimes i also experience the contrasting emotions of being "just like everyone else" who's ever had a baby. Its silly really.

I find myself constantly trying to better things about myself on a minute level. Here's a list:

1. My sugar intake

2. Nail biting

3. Spending money

4. Being lazy at work

5. Finding motivation to finish projects at home

6. Increasing happiness in my family relationships.

7. Being more consistent in praying.

It's so obvious to me as I watch other couples that children emulate the parents behaviors extensively. I can't have my kids doing all the lame things I do. Its drives me crazy that some parents swear in front of their kids. I don't mind swearing all that much but that doesn't mean its good. and that doesn't mean my children should gain the bad habit.

When I look at some kids I also realize that many have not had the same opportunity for experience as I have had. One kid came to over to my dads house and my dad talked him into washing my dads car because he had NEVER WASHED A CAR BEFORE. He is eleven years old. It isn't that that is such a huge deal, its simply a foreign idea to me that an eleven year old has never washed a car. I can understand not going camping or not going to other countries but the simple experience of having never washed a car before.

Update

2010-02-22T12:06:00.003-07:00

My wife is pregnant and I am dying to be a father.

The house is finally getting close to being done...at least the big projects anyway.

2009-12-20T18:04:00.002-07:00

"Labor disgraces no man; unforunately, you occasionally find men who disgrace labor."

John Henry Eden

Apparently

2009-11-11T08:02:00.002-07:00

My parents decided to move to Utah and haven't told me yet. Kinda sad really. My sister leaves my brother in law for some crazy mexican guy, my parents disown my brother in law and my parents only call me once in a blue moon. Its the strangest feeling to think that I'll never be able to go back to the house I grew up in. Seriously. Its weird. Its becoming more difficult to stay my anger, frustration and resentment for the way they are treating Dave and I.

Oye! Whatever. What can I do?

Sometimes...

2009-11-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

Family sucks

2009-04-21T18:42:00.001-06:00

My fingers are finally healing. Im back in shape and I STRESSED OUT OF MY MIND. I can't wait till I actually buy a house. Then I'll have my life back.

Great Depression

2009-02-05T20:33:00.002-07:00

"No one can possibly have lived through the Great Depression without being scarred by it. No amount of experience since the depression can convince someone who has lived through it that the world is safe economically."

Issac Asimov

I don't there are many people that get it. The Church has been warning us for the last 15 years. HORRIBLE times are ahead. This will be another Depression. I pray for us all.

Growing Old

2009-01-29T12:11:00.002-07:00

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise”.

Seriously. I'm not wise yet but I am trying to be. It'll probably take another 80 years.

Too many...

2008-10-19T18:46:00.002-06:00

kids in my life that aren't mine. What is the world trying to tell me?

Red Bull Rampage

2008-10-05T18:53:00.003-06:00

This picture is the fault of inspiration received after attending the Red Bull Rampage.

2008-04-30T18:08:00.003-06:00

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”

Mr. Armstrong

A finger injury. A2 pulley. Right near the nuckle. Its such a small piece of my body but when it got damaged a lot of things had to change.

Its time to start again

2008-02-18T03:48:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I've had something inside of me that needs to get out. I miss the days when my life was more adventurous. However, my life has been blessed by far more than climbing lately.

This should warrant a post

2007-05-09T23:26:00.000-06:00

M
Well I'd like to say I had some good news concerning my birth father. But I don't. To me it is good news just to have found him as thats all I really wanted. He died in 1991. Crazy stories have begun to unfold in the last few months. I was in the atlanta area for the last 2 1/2 months where I randomly found out that my birth grandmother live in northern georgia. My birth mother was adopted and they just came into contact in december. I met my bloodline grandmother in person before my birthmom did.

I'll write more later

Ben

M,

That dude OD'd on heroin. His name is Garrett Dennis White. He died at the age of 34. He tried to clean up his life and he moved in with his grandmother in 1991. She died a week before he OD'd. Thats all I know and I don't have pictures yet. Private investigators are expensive. BTW

M,

Apparently I have two birth certificates. both legal but only one was given to my adoptive parents. My birth mother was given a seperate one. She named me Kenneth Garrett Cassidy. People would be calling me Kenny. I found out today. (that he is dead). I still don't feel settled about the whole thing. I kept asking if they really verified that he is my father. They have like 12 things that all match up. My next goal is to find his pictures and his gravesite. Maybe then I'll get used to it.

Ben

2006-11-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

Awesomeness

2006-09-20T23:57:00.000-06:00

Correct climbing helps integrate both right (emotional) and left (logical) brain functions, and so opens up a path to experiencing wholeness. Climbing also involves the whole gamut of experiences. Climbing can take you to the stars, and dump you on your ass. However, when things get tough, if you keep perspective and realize that every move is a miracle, you'll be able to better appreciate all that climbing has to offer. Once you start pushing personal limits, climbing becomes an intense, committing activity. In one sense, climbing shows you who you are and what you're made of. No need to tackle the world's bleakest routes to know how it feels to be on top. Just climb, and you will know.

John Long

2006-08-24T22:43:00.000-06:00

A terrible trip to Zions turns into one of my favorite pictures ever.

2006-06-08T10:01:00.000-06:00

I love you

2006-06-03T22:22:00.000-06:00

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

Credit goes to Martha Lilian.

2006-05-29T03:40:00.000-06:00

What a bad night. Two months of strenuous dedication gone all down the drain during one night.

-And Then.......... Something Happened. I Let Go. Lost In Oblivion -- Dark And Silent And Complete. I Found Freedom. Losing All Hope Was Freedom.

Fight Club

2006-05-26T11:03:00.000-06:00

The abundant life does not come to us packaged and ready-made. It's not something we can order and expect to find delivered with the afternoon mail. It does not come without hardship or sorrow.

It comes through faith, hope, and charity. And it comes to those who, in spite of hardship and sorrow, understand the words of one writer who said, "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

The abundant life isn't something we arrive at. Rather, it is a magnificent journey that began long, long ages ago and will never, never end.

2006-05-25T14:37:00.000-06:00

In a world beset by wrath, the prophet of our day, President Gordon B. Hinckley, has counseled: "Now, there is much that we can and must do in these perilous times. We can give our opinions on the merit of the situation as we see it, but never let us become a party to words or works of evil concerning our brothers and sisters in various nations on one side or the other. Political differences never justify hatred or ill will. I hope that the Lord's people may be at peace one with another during times of trouble, regardless of what loyalties they may have to different governments or parties."

2006-05-06T20:11:00.000-06:00

William Parrish: Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

2006-05-06T11:50:00.000-06:00

What is it you said to the kid? The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very rough, mean place... and no matter how tough you think you are, it'll always bring you to your knees and keep you there, permanently... if you let it. You or nobody ain't never gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit... it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. If you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit.

-Rocky Balboa

2006-05-04T12:50:00.000-06:00

I never believed in Santa Claus.

None of us kids ever did. Mom and Dad refused to let us. They couldn't afford expensive presents, and they didn't want us to think we weren't as good as other kids who, on Christmas morning, found all sorts of fancy toys under the tree that were supposedly left by Santa Claus. So they told us all about how other kids were deceived by their parents, how the toys the grown-ups claimed were made by little elves wearing bell caps in their workshop at the North Pole actually had labels on them saying MADE IN JAPAN.

"Try not to look down on those other children," Mom said. "It's not their fault that they've been brainwashed into believing silly myths."

We celebrated Christmas, but usually about a week after December 25, when you could find perfectly good bows and wrapping paper that people had thrown away and Christmas trees discarded on the roadside that still had most of their needles and even some silver tinsel hanging on them. Mom and Dad would give us a bag of marbles or a doll or a slingshot that had been marked way down in an after-Christmas sale.

Dad lost his job at the gypsum mine after getting in an argument with the foreman, and when Christmas came that year, we had no money at all. On Christmas Eve, Dad took each one of us kids out into the desert night one by one. I had a blanket wrapped around me, and when it was my turn, I offered to share it with Dad, but he said no thanks. The cold never bothered him. I was five that year and I sat next to Dad and we looked up at the sky. Dad loved to talk about the stars. He explained to us how they rotated through the night sky as the earth turned. He taught us to identify the constellations and how to navigate by the North Star. Those shining stars, he liked to point out, were one of the special treats for people like us who lived out in the wilderness. Rich city folks, he'd say, lived in fancy apartments, but their air was so polluted they couldn't even see the stars. We'd have to be out of our minds to want to trade places with any of them...

...We laughed about all the kids who believed in the Santa myth and got nothing for Christmas but a bunch of cheap plastic toys. "Years from now, when all the junk they got is broken and long forgotten," Dad said, "you'll still have your stars."

-The Glass Castle
Jeannette Walls

2006-04-25T21:38:00.000-06:00

Finals are done.
I've moved into my new home.
I'm climbing better than I ever have.
I spend time with the people I've been wanting to.

But something is missing and I wish I knew what it was.

2006-04-20T00:23:00.000-06:00

Danny Vinyard: So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'

American History X

2006-04-18T13:38:00.000-06:00

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

Jim Morrison

2006-04-14T09:10:00.000-06:00

Every gun that's made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed. This world in arms...is spending the genius of its scientists, the sweat of its laborers.

Eisenhower

2006-04-10T20:15:00.000-06:00

God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.

-Scottish poet James Barrie

The Fox

2006-04-01T23:58:00.000-07:00

"Nothing's perfect," sighed the fox. "My life is monotonous. I hunt chickens; people hunt me. All chickens are just alike, and all men are just alike. So I'm rather bored. But if you tame me, my life will be filled with sunshine. I'll know the sound of footsteps that will be different from all the rest. Other footsteps send me back underground. Yours will call me out of my burrow like music. And then, look! You see the wheat fields over there? I don't eat bread. For me, wheat is no use whatever. Wheat fields say nothing to me. Which is sad. But you have hair the color of gold. So it will be wonderful, once you've tamed me! The wheat, which is golden, will remind me of you. And I'll love the sound of the wind in the wheat..."
-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I imagine love tames people the same way. In my own life lately I feel the way the Fox must have felt before being tamed. So excited to enjoy things that never would have mattered before he was tamed.

2006-03-31T12:40:00.000-07:00

Adam Levy: Two people can be perfect for each other but if the timing's wrong its never going to work out. Bad timing is the reason that most normal people end up single. Weirdos and creeps are single cuz they are weird and creepy but people like us are single because of bad timing.

Triassic

2006-02-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

This route is called Desp"arete". Its a v7 and an incredibly powerful problem. I love this one and I'm guessing it will take a few months of projecting to top-out. Who knows?

Put together a geo metro, two crashpads, a ton of camping gear, three guys climbing and what do you get? Sardine packing requirements and someone stuck up against the window.

This is Lemondrop. It's a v4 that took me a few tries.

Don't ignore it

2006-02-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

The spirit is not a piece of jerky. It can't be drug along behind you. It is you. That invisible thing that rises out of you when you die. It's a real thing, as we all know, and as we all have no choice but to admit. But this thing is fed with different food. And though the spirit can't itself be seen, the spirit feeds on what it sees. Like a camera, we aim it, but we get lots of help, too much, from others we've let live inside us. What the spirit sees, it feeds, and feeds on. And this is how the body gets gobbled up.

Take control of your camera. Look at your pain. Travel toward it, introduce yourself, get to know it. Let it tell you what it wants. Stop trying to kill it. You'll never understand something you intend to kill.

In your journey to the center of your pain, step with respect, because it hurts, but drop all fear that your trip will lead to more pain. It won't. Walk inside yourself. Sit at the center of your pain. Sit there. Feel it. Listen to it. Don't argue. Accept what it says. And stay there, smiling. You are the smile, shining; your luminosity warms and calms your angry tissues. This is a place you can go to at will, a place you are known, not feared by the pain but welcomed as the master bringing balm. Let your spirit make a clubhouse there. Your pain will be suspicious at first, and irritated, annoyed, but that's what a pain is.

You have to say shhhh.

Which is what those of you in pain are probably saying to me right now.

Curt Fisher

Happy Valentines day

2006-02-14T15:37:00.000-07:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

Neil Gaiman

Louis Logic

2006-02-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

What an amazing show

2006-02-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

Forget the Navajo, abolish the death penalty.

Forget the death penalty, find the cure for aids.

Forget the cure for aids, end global warming.

Forget global warming, fix the welfare system.

Forget the welfare system, get me a glass of milk.

Forget your milk, disassemble all the nuclear arms.

Forget the nuclear arms, and everything else you can think of

I try to demonstrate two things: first, that putting down one worthy cause in order to try and elevate another is always a bad idea, because the other can be put down just as easily by someone with a small enough mind. To attempt to raise someone's concern for one issue by belittling another has the effect of numbing that person to any concern at all, - it's counterproductive in the long run. Second, it's not necessary to put down any cause - I want a glass of milk and nuclear disarmament. I'll get a drink when I'm thirsty, and I'll do what I can for disarmament when it's possible and appropriate for me to do that.

2006-02-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

Death is Certain

2006-02-05T16:52:00.000-07:00

Everest vs. BigMac - killer statistics

how dangerous are the mountains after all? Below a summary of the statistics, and a few other interesting stats to consider, when asked why you want to kill yourself. Our 8000ers, from most dangerous to least dangerous, summits vs. deaths:

Annapurna (8,091 m) In total, only 130 climbers have summited Annapurna, while 53 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus 41%.

Nanga Parbat (8,125m) 216 climbers have summited Nanga Parbat and 61 have died. The overall fatality rate thus 28.24%.

K2 (8,611 m) Fewer than 200 climbers have summited the world's second highest peak – 198 total. 53 have died. K2's overall fatality rate is 26.77%.

Kangchenjunga (8,586 m) To date, only 185 climbers have summited Kangchenjunga and 40 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus about 22%.

Manaslu (8,163 m) To date, 240 climbers have summited Manaslu and 52 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus 21.67%.

Dhaulagiri (8,167 m) To date, 313 climbers have summited Dhaulagiri and 56 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus 18%.

Makalu (8,485 m) To date, 206 climbers have summited Makalu and 22 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus about 11%.

Gasherbrum I (8,080m) Since 1958, only 195 climbers have summited Gasherbrum I and 21 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus 10.77%.

Shisha Pangma (8,027m) To date, 201 climbers have summited Shisha Pangma and 19 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus about 9.5%.

Everest (8,848m) Today, Everest has hosted close to 2,000 successful summits. 179 people have perished giving a fatality rate of 9.3%.

Broad Peak (8,051 m) A mere 255 climbers have summited Broad Peak and 18 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus 7%.

Lhotse (8,516 m) To date, 243 climbers have summited Lhotse and 11 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus about 4%.

Gasherbrum II (8,034 m) As for GII, a total of 650 climbers have summited the peak and 17 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus 2.62%.

Cho Oyu (8,188 m) To date, about 1,400 climbers have summited Cho Oyu and 35 have died. The overall fatality rate is thus 2.5%,

Other statistics:

Smoking: Each year, 440,000 people die of diseases causes by smoking or another form of tobacco use, that’s about 20% of all deaths in the United States.

Junk food & doing nothing: Each year, 300,000 people die of poor diet and physical inactivity, that's about 14% of all deaths in the United States, second only to tobacco use. Nearly 59 million adults are obese in US, and the percentage of young people who are overweight has more than doubled in the last 20 years. Fifteen percent of Americans aged 6–19 years are overweight.

Traffic accidents:

Each year nearly 5,000 Americans die in truck crashes.

In 1995, 98% of the people killed in two-vehicle crashes involving passenger cars and big trucks were occupants of the passenger vehicles.

Conclusion: Although these stats are not an exact science and surrounded by a lot of if's and but's, they do offer hints. Surviving on KFC and not working out kills 20% of Americans.

Summiting Everest kills 9.3% of climbers. If you have a cigarette with your junk food, you are at the level of climbing Annapurna. And if you collide with a killer truck, compared to the truck driver you'd have better chance at surviving if you scaled all 14 8000ers. The "Killer mountains" keep us slender, smoke free and out of heavy traffic. They might just save our lives.

2006-01-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

Chow Mo Wan: Take care. Maybe one day you'll escape your past. If you do, look for me.

Life's been a little odd lately. Things have happened I never would have expected. I think I've stretched myself a little too thin. Too many classes at school, too many excursions planned, and way too much work to be done. I often think I won't finish everything. I never think to myself, what if I do?

2006-01-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

Lambeau: Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.

2006-01-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

He Qiwu Cop: 223 If memories could be canned, would they also have expiry dates? If so, I hope they last for centuries

Joe's Valley

2005-12-29T03:38:00.000-07:00

Boulder /n./ place close to the ground to practice falling. When climbers aren't climbing, they like to sharpen their skills by bouldering on large rocks located in places frequented by impressionable tourists. Because bouldering is done without protection, the rule is never to climb higher than you'd like to fall. That is why so many climbers stand around discussing boulder problems instead of climbing them.

Bleh!

2005-12-22T22:04:00.000-07:00

I hate eating too much food. It sucks.

Dandelions' Light

2005-12-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

Kate: Love is a mindfield, you take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess thats human nature, it hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow-up than be single.

2005-12-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

He Qiwu, Cop 223: At the high point of our intimacy, we were just 0.01cm from each other. I knew nothing about her. Six hours later, she fell in love with another man.

Exit Music

2005-11-29T16:50:00.000-07:00

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was,

Fucking high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

The Beautiful Struggle

2005-11-29T16:29:00.000-07:00

"In each of us, two natures are at war – the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, and one of them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the power to choose – what we want most to be we are."

- Robert L.Stevenson Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde 1886 (from NYC Restaurant Napkin)

2005-11-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

Yes I went to bishop to climb for the thanksgiving holiday. Yes the climbing there is much more difficult than anywhere I've been before. Yes it was nice to concentrate on nothing at all...except for the climbing. And yes I had forgotten about the stars surrounding the little planet we live on. It was amazing to see them all shine so bright. You could see everything. The Milky Way, Cassiopeia, Orion, Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, and the North Star.

Pocket Rocket

2005-10-08T20:25:00.000-06:00

I know the picture isn't the greatest. Thats not what matters. Whats matters is me sending a V6 bouldering problem my first year climbing.

Finding Life

2005-10-06T04:01:00.000-06:00

If we could abolish knowledge and wisdom, then people would profit a hundredfold

If we could abolish duty and justice, then harmonious relationships would form

If we could abolish artifice and profit, then waste and theft would disappear

Yet such remedies treat only symptoms and so they are inadequate

People need personal remedies

Reveal your naked self and embrace your original nature

Bind your self-interest and control your ambition

Forget your habits and simplify your affairs

Families are Forever

2005-10-03T18:43:00.000-06:00

Early this year I spent a week with my sister and her kids. These are some of the memories she caught on film.

The Soundtrack of my Life

2005-09-19T02:40:00.000-06:00

2005-09-16T13:08:00.000-06:00

When you cut into the past, the future pours out.

2005-09-10T19:27:00.000-06:00

I'm writing on a little piece of paper

I'm hoping someday you might find

I'll hide it behind something

They won't look behind

I am still inside here

A little bit comes bleeding through

I wish this could have been any other way

But I just don't know- I don't know what else I can do

2005-09-07T20:51:00.000-06:00

As much as I hate the rain I really need it right now.

2005-08-20T08:48:00.000-06:00

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

-Anais Nin

2005-08-18T19:22:00.000-06:00

I`m done. I`ve gone everywhere I wanted in less time than I thought it would take and now I get to spend the next five days sitting on the beach in Puerto Escondido. I`ve already been here an entire day and I think I want to go home early. I mean the beach is nice and all but its just not a place I can stand for five more days.

Sitting on the beach I had plenty of time to think about my life. I got to think once again about the future and I tried to imagine where I would be in the next few months...and nothing came to my mind. I´ve decided there will be no guessing what will go on because life will still take place. Such an obvious train of thoughts but really something I needed to remind myself of.

Narrator: You had to give it to him: he had a plan. And it started to make sense, in a Tyler sort of way. No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.

San Cristobal

2005-08-16T12:17:00.000-06:00

Its only the 16th and I´m already in San Cristobal. In four days Blake and I have traveled more than half of the distance of our trip. We´ve seen Vera Cruz, which was nothing liked I expected, Villahermosa, once again not that nice, and Palenque, where we not only got robbed but found the family of the guy who robbed us and got our money back. We´ve been to the Palenque ruins, where the monkeys like to throw things at the tourists, the Misol-Ha waterfall, the same one in predator, and Agua Azul. I will never forget Agua Azul. The only word I have in my vocabulary to describe it would be, Paradise. The Mexican lifeguards kept getting in trouble because they were letting us jump off of the waterfalls when we weren´t supposed to. The last two days we have driven through nothing but jungle.

Rompala,
ben

Pre-edited picture

Dreaming of some other place

2005-07-30T16:15:00.000-06:00

I've spent far too much time awake this past week and my body is retaliating. As I struggle to stay awake at work I nod off in strange places. As I wake I find myself dreaming about things quite negative. The dreams seem to have lost all patience for the experiences I have. Some people think dreams are a window to the truth inside. What truths could I possibly be hiding from myself?

Dreams. Who is to say where reality lies?..and if reality lies...what is the truth?"

Deseret News 10K

2005-07-25T08:25:00.000-06:00

I did it. I hit my goal. I ran 10K in less than an hour. Actually it was 48 minutes. Awesome huh? To tell you the truth I hated almost every second of it. I don't know what it is about running. It hurts.

I overheard a conversation while on the bus back to the start. One guy said "true freedom comes only from self mastery". I didn't think much of the comment until I realized where I was....Salt Lake City. The final destination for thousands of pioneers. These same people had more self mastery than I will ever imagine. Then I began to realize how true it was. Self mastery. The ability to change or control every emotion, every nerve, and every attitude one has. The ability to align oneself with a consistant impartiality in any situation whether it be pain, or anguish, or joy. The ability to overcome apathy, doubt, or fear no matter how they feel.

"Don't think you can attain total awareness and whole enlightenment without proper discipline and practice. This is egomania. Appropriate rituals channel your emotions and life energy toward the light. Without the discipline to practice them, you will tumble constantly backward into darkness.”
Lao Tzu

2005-07-23T19:24:00.000-06:00

I hate Ryan Adams. He is the person I've gone to for everything in the past few months and I hate him for it. He has somehow found the words I don't ever want to hear. But honestly, its so good for.

I'm emotional. I always have been and I always will be. I spend a lot of energy every day trying to "embrace" that part of me. Sometimes its very hard. But I have to say it has its benefits too. There seems to always be people in my life who take this part of me for granted and that makes things hard too.

I am nowhere...

2005-07-17T00:20:00.000-06:00

new.

I will spend the next few weeks moving and moving about, getting things done, as though i had to go to mexico tomorrow. From birth certificates to passports to physical therapy, I haven't stopped moving. I feel a little anxious. It feels like I can't do everything I need to. And then there are days when I see you. I see you and everything else goes away. It shouldn't be this way. Its not right. Its actually quite wrong. When I see you I imagine all the things I think you've been through and it all jumbles in my head. I think to myself about your interactions with people and I wonder what is "Real" and what isn't. It hurts to know you are human just like me. If you weren't human I wouldn't invest my time, my feelings, and my emotions into your well being. You are a car wreck and I can't stop looking.

Fourth of July

2005-07-04T22:23:00.000-06:00

I was going to run a 10K race today but I spent far too much time with friends the evening before. It was fun. I haven't really been in that type of social environment for quite some time. its been at least a year if not more. It felt nice. It felt as though I used to do it all the time. It felt foreign to me. Like it was from a different time of my l;ife

It's getting kinda old

2005-06-28T11:32:00.000-06:00

I'm sick of writing here. I really wish I had a journal to write in but I don't think I'd really take the time to write in it if I had one. I'm sick of doing good for a really long time and then "being tested". Being such an emotional person...it gets old too. I think I've been doing a dandy good job at not being so "emotional" in life. I'm not perfect though. No one is. Not even Nate. John might be though. He's a pretty dang good guy.
My climbing partner nick tells me I shouldn't ever talk to this Emily girl again. Maybe I won't. who knows? I mean seriously, I have so many other girls to choose from. They won't stop calling me. EDIT (read: sarcasm sarcasm sarcasm)

2005-06-28T02:37:00.000-06:00

"Everything in the gospel teaches us that we can change if we need to, that we can be helped if we truly want it, that we can be made whole, whatever the problems of the past."
—Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Crash

2005-06-21T00:44:00.000-06:00

Forest Falls. My parents lived there a long time ago. Before I was born. I spent some time there during my teenage years. My church youth program would take us up to the campground for picknicks and once I almost slept with a girl in one of the cabins in town. But tonight, as I drove up to the falls to breathe some forest air and look for more memories hidden in the trees, I ran into a detour. This detour was named Mary. She was 5'5"tall, dark blonde hair, deep blue eyes, married and five months pregnant. She was lying twisted and incoherent on the roof of her 2001 malibu, which was upside down. I was the second responder to an accident that had just taken place. The car who pulled up before me raced off to find help, and I was left with myself and this girl. Blood slowly pooling beneath her mouth at least she was breathing. Every minute or so she would cough up blood that she no longer seemed to need. She didn't respond to anything I said or asked of her. She didn't seem to have the ability to make words come out. I don't even know if she knew I was there.

I always wanted to be an EMT or a Fireman but the fear I have for all things bloody slowly got the better of me and I have changed my course. It wasn't until tonight that I realized something. When in the situation where someones life depends on what I do, blood and broken bodies are the last thing on my mind. All I thought about were the things she needed. Was the car turned off? Where exactly was she bleeding from? Was there fuel leaking anywhere? What could I do to help her breathing? What would happen if the blood became too much and she stopped breathing?

After ten minutes the FD arrived and took over. At that point I stepped back to take everything in. It was another ten or fifteen minutes before the paramedics arrived and another few minutes before they got her onto a helicopter and got her out.

I will never see her again nor will I ever know what has happened to her and her child.

Mary, tonight I pray for you.

Any Thoughts?

2005-06-11T01:07:00.000-06:00

My vacation is coming quicker than I thought. It consists of two weeks in Califiornia. The first week will be spent rock climbing in Joshua Tree with a few of my friends, and the second week has no plans as of yet, maybe I'll go surf......

Officer 223

2005-06-09T06:51:00.000-06:00

"We split up on April Fool's Day. So I decided to let the joke run for a month. Every day I buy a can of pineapple with a sell-by date of May 1. May loves pineapple, and May 1 is my birthday. If May hasn't changed her mind by the time I've bought thirty cans, then our love will also expire."

ummm maybe i AM going crazy

2005-05-26T23:53:00.000-06:00

This guy is doing something called "free soloing". Basically a death wish for people who need the "rush". I think I am going to regret my experience today. Let me begin with a story. My climbing partner has a wife, a wife who, as of last week, now has the same schedule as he does. This means that I will be climbing with a partner less and bouldering more. I enjoy bouldering (bouldering is rock climbing very close to the ground. If you fall you are only a max of 15ft off the ground). Now bouldering allows me to practice my technique and solve problems without the use of a partner. Today was my first day bouldering by myself. I guess I just got bored and I wasn't thinking about it but I got up a small bouldering problem and just kept going. Before I knew it I was 35 ft. up a face with no ropes, no harness, and no protection. I surprised myself but not due to where my unattention had taken me but to the enjoyment I found as I was on that rock with nothing to save my life if I was to fall.

I actually remember very little about the climb itself. I've done it about 5 or 6 times since I've started climbing so I "know" the sequence. The two things I remember most were: 1.The odd fact that I was less scared to climb it without ropes than I was to climb it with ropes. 2. How I thought to myself as I sat on the topout that I really should never do it again knowing that I wouldn't ever stop free soloing.

And there it stands. No more free soloing...

2005-05-21T02:30:00.000-06:00

"But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live. Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom. Only a person who risks is free. The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; and the realist adjusts the sails."

-William Arthur Ward

NIN

2005-05-11T01:34:00.000-06:00

I don't care if you like them or not...everyone needs to go out and buy the new NIN album "With Teeth".

Exposure

2005-05-05T17:14:00.000-06:00

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.

Helen keller

Asylum

2005-04-25T03:20:00.000-06:00

This is the "Magic Theatre"
Price of entry...Your mind
You've got to be out of it to be here

I am hooked. I have finally found the reason why I have continued working with the "legally" mad. There are times, during the endless hours I spend here, in which the magic takes place. These magical times have given me the directions I take in my life. They give me a glimpse into a world not built entirely by the society we live in. I believe that these magical gifts of alternate realities allow me to step outside of the shell I created for myself long ago. I have been blessed with these gifts and now I have finally realized it. The narrative I write, everyday of my life, is no longer affected by the attrition brought upon me by those in my life who take me, unknowingly, to a place of sanity. The world of sanity where magic does not exist, logic reigns, and where reality is the decision of the masses. Madness and magic and passion thrive in the same experience. Without these, what are we...?

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

I had to do it!

2005-04-24T02:02:00.000-06:00

I just had to do it. The funny blue balls adorning these pages were just too much. The white just seems so much more...relaxed. And boy is it nice to relax.

I moved into a new house this weekend, I really enjoy it. Its a nice little duplex in Provo that is up the hill from work (read: Bombing Hills). Even though this week I have finals and I'm moving, I am still really glad to be in a new place. I got lucky. I signed with the first room I looked at. Tommy just gave me the number to some guy he met like twice in his life. I called him and checked out the place, well kept duplex, above ground, and then I signed the contract. Easy enough. Thats definitly relaxing.

I've taken up weird hobbies lately. I run a few times each week, at least two miles each time, I have been going to Yoga with Nick at six in the morning at the rock climbing gym, and I've only eaten "healthy foods" in quite sometime. Whats wrong with me.

Yoga. They say Yoga makes you rock climb eight times better. After going for quite sometime I think I'm starting to see why. Its so damn hard. The Yoga lady works us sooooo hard. I never knew my body could bend in so many ways.

I hate Haiku poems but...I think I'll leave one today.

-Reclining Buddha
Awakens from the World-Dream-
Heavy-lidded eyes.

Expiration date: 1/4/2009

2005-04-21T00:46:00.000-06:00

"Somehow everything comes with an expiration date. Swordfish expires. Meat sauce expires. Even cling-film expires. Is there anything in the world which doesn't?"

Officer #223

2005-04-20T13:58:00.000-06:00

We're all unlucky in love sometimes. When I am, I go jogging. The body loses water when you jog, so you have none left for tears.

Chungking Express

2005-04-18T10:57:00.000-06:00

Advertisements Have Us Chasing Cars And Clothes, Working Jobs We Hate So We Can Buy Shit We Don't Need.

-Tyler Durden

Time for Freewriting

2005-04-15T10:36:00.000-06:00

the drive to be complete....it creates my stress.the drive to stay on top of the world and the drive to continue advancing both in education and financially will drive me crazy someday.the stress feels terrible.its feels like my face is going stiff and i cant move it.its like really bad allergies.you know you aren't sick but you still feel lke it.when you have allergic reactions, your body is trying to get rid of shit it doesn't think is good.thats how i feel when i think of trying to be complete.the drive to be complete isnt for me.its for others its for the people who tell me i need to secure my future both financially.they make me believe this world is about security and stability.I live my life by my emotions which it seems many people try to hard to control sometimes.

2005-04-14T12:53:00.000-06:00

This was my "I'm bored lets use that stupid $300 camera you bought" day.

I like this one...except for the reflection.

Roly poly bugs are neat,
roly poly bugs have feet

................................Z...........................................

2005-04-14T11:48:00.000-06:00

i know that it never goes away
all i feel, everything i'm not today

i know that everything can change

what i need is to open up again

The pain which comes from lacerated skin is something so foreign to me. I understand the idea behind pain as a way of release. I had Fight Club. Pain really does turn down the volume of your life once you begin to control it. This cutting type of pain stays with the victim for much longer than a bruise or a broken bone. Scars are quite the personal inspiration poster...or maybe a personal confirmation of the pain someone's gone through.

2005-04-08T14:22:00.000-06:00

Sometimes...I must admit...I love the rain.

Snow, rain, green green grass, and spring flowers.

2005-04-07T10:43:00.000-06:00

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!

The world forgetting, by the world forgot

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

2005-04-07T01:45:00.000-06:00

Narrator: Put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brain.

2005-04-02T01:10:00.000-07:00

I've stopped thinking of a life without storms, or a world without dry seasons or killing seasons. Our lives are much too complicated and changing to be rid of such calamities. I know I'm wrong about a lot of things. I know we can't give ourselves completely to love. There are no limits to loving. And what does it matter to me if I hold things badly if I can embrace Everything.

Shimmer

2005-04-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

She calls me from the cold

Just when I was low, feeling short of stable

And all that she intends

And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label

She says she's ashamed

And can she take me for awhile

And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past

But maybe I'm not able

And I break at the bend

We're here and now, but will we ever be again

'Cause I have found

All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade

Away again...

...Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her

She says that love is for fools who fall behind

And I'm somewhere in between

I never really know

A killer from a savior

In Your Eyes

2005-03-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

Feeling quite emotional today. I find it a waste of time to use my dietary habits to control anxiety. Not too much anxiety today as I took care of my grades and financial aid. Two more things to cross off the list.

I've been going to bed so late the last few months. There is some little gnome inside my head that keeps telling me people are supposed to go to bed early and get up early. I dont know where he got such a silly idea but i think even if he was right it would take all summer to reverse the sleeping habits I aquired during this last semester.

Kings and Pawns

2005-03-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes our lifes can be a little like chess. The game can change with every move and you don't know its checkmate until its discovered.

2005-03-18T01:21:00.000-07:00

do you think people who live in other countries, that I find so immensly interesting, find that they are just as interested in their own culture?

This Santuary

2005-03-11T03:03:00.001-07:00

Some people have a place of Sanctuary...a place where they can go to think or just to breathe deeply...a place that is theirs and no one else's...where, for a short time, nothing really matters. I have no place I call my own. I have no set place of refuge from this great depression we call our lives. I have something different. I have a song

2005-03-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

Title of page

This is my first homepage. This text is bold

51 HOURS...

2005-03-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

Lets see if I can guess the right answer...
A)Mid-term this week

b)????????

c)The will to longboard till my legs fall off

d)Money to waste

e)The odd curiosity to be vegetarian

f)All of the above

Yeah, F that.

I was at work yesterday daydreaming about how once again time is flying. Its 2005. Where are the spaceships? Where are the human colonies on mars? Why aren't we travelling as fast as light? Where are the transporters? Why don't we have laser guns yet? and where is my robotic maid? When I was little I remember thinking that by 2001 we would all be able to visit space, there would be no more aids, and my life would resemble a science fiction film.

2005-02-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

"Occasionally discouragement may darken our pathway; frustration may be a constant companion. In our ears there may sound the sophistry of Satan as he whispers, “You cannot save the world; your small efforts are meaningless. You haven’t time to be concerned for others.” Trusting in the Lord, let us turn our heads from such falsehoods and make certain our feet are firmly planted in the path of service and our hearts and souls dedicated to follow the example of the Lord. In moments when the light of resolution dims and when the heart grows faint, we can take comfort from His promise: “Be not weary in well-doing. … Out of small things proceedeth that which is great. Behold, the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind.”

Thomas S. Monson

2005-02-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

After weeks of struggling from not being able to describe the feelings i have had, I found an article that helps. I've spent the last fews years not with the "dedicated" friendships I've had but following the people who'm I felt loved me but had no dependence on me. Codependence is so repelling.

"The people who claim that they love you, are often the same people who take it out on you when they are in a bad mood. And, you think, “Out of billions of people in the world, why do they have to choose someone they love?” I suppose in some ways it makes sense, because it can be argued that they love you because they can take it out on you. If someone gave me $1,000 dollars every month for no reason, I suppose I would “love” him. If someone picked up every piece of trash I threw up in the air, I would “love” that person too. Why not? The problem is the use of the word “love” in these situations. What we immediately think of when we hear that word is the kind of love that is selfless, i.e., disinterested love. The use of the word “love” in such situations as the above has nothing to do with this. I would use the word, “dependency”. It just so happens that in English the same word is used for both. The confusion stems from the fact that outward appearances of both are hardly distinguishable

When we are young, we tend to see friendship as a form of support system, because we are still insecure and fearful of life. And, we are not satisfied with just having a support system; we also want to secure it. We want some sort of assurance that it will be there forever. We are thus very much interested in verifying the degrees of commitment, sincerity, and trust by testing the limits of our friendships, which in turn puts undue stress on them. For this reason, friendships of our youth tend to be emotionally tumultuous.

If you love or care about someone, you naturally would want to offer help when he is in need. Offering help, in this sense, is a consequence of your psychological state. Someone who has a naive notion of friendship reverses this process and sees this as the cause of friendship. He thus believes that friends are made by offering help, and that friendship is defined by the means of helping each other.

What may not be immediately obvious is that this support system is rewarding in both directions: when we help others and when others help us. Naturally, having someone who is willing and capable of helping you makes you feel secure, but having someone who needs you can also make you feel secure existentially. If he needs you, it is less likely that he would leave you. And, if he needs you, it means that your existence has a meaning. In order to feel better about your own existence, you need other people who need you. In this sense, what often appears to be a selfless, unconditional deed has hidden selfish motives. In order to feel good about ourselves, we often help others who should not be helped, thereby perpetuating the very problem that causes them to suffer: the sense of helplessness.

Thus, a naive friendship of this nature is a system of codependence. For this reason, needy people tend to attract each other, like drug addicts. It is no coincidence that heroin junkies insist on sharing needles even if clean needles are available to them. Testing their loyalty to each other is just as rewarding to them as the artificial sense of security the drug can offer. Codependent people become preoccupied with defining the word “friend”. It cannot just be someone whose presence they enjoy; he must be defined as a “friend”. How many people they can call “friends” becomes a piece of knowledge that gives them a sense of security and confidence, like collecting trophies.

Among a codependent group of people, the members become very vocal about how they would do anything for each other. “He is my best friend, and I would do anything for him.” Be that as it may; some people are capable of doing “anything” for total strangers too, as witnessed by certain heroic incidents like the crash of Air Florida Flight 90 in 1982 in which Arland D. Williams, Jr., on the verge of drowning into the icy water, repeatedly offered the rescue line from the helicopter to others, which resulted in his own death. Such unconditional deed of love has nothing to do with defining someone to be one’s own “friend”.

If you are only capable of having codependent relationships, you become scared of others who do not need anything from you, because you have no way of feeling any confidence in that relationship. If they don’t need you, you can’t feel good about yourself. You feel like you don’t exist in their eyes, like you are a disposable camera. You desperately try to find something you can help them with. You deliberately look for problems in them. Naturally everyone has problems, but whether they want to share them with you is a separate issue. Everyone has his or her own ways of dealing with their problems. But you insist that they share them with you in order for you to feel secure about that relationship. Thus, you measure the value of a friend based on how helpful you can be to him as well as how helpful he can be to you. A “friend”, in this sense, becomes a mere drug for your own ego; something to make you feel good about yourself with. You cannot fathom how someone could be a friend if he doesn’t need you and if you don’t need him.

This invites all sorts of misunderstandings in friendships because every friendship, in this case, is an unspoken contract of codependency. I agree to help you with this, so you agree to help me with that. This contract allows both of them to feel better about themselves, but naturally, no such contract could be clearly communicated. Thus, discrepancies in expectations are unavoidable, which often jeopardizes the contract. And, if you cannot afford to lose that contract of support, you try to salvage it desperately. You get hurt in the process, which makes you want to never speak to him again, and vice versa.

People who build friendships without any dependencies do not have these problems. There are no commitments, contracts, or expectations. To a codependent person, such a friendship seems shallow, because there is no drug-value in it, because it does not make his ego feel better or secure. He might ask: “What’s the point?”

All of the same arguments above apply to the concept of family as well. Family functions are rarely organized for the sheer desire of the members to see each other. It is more likely to be motivated by the sense of obligation as a member of the support system. The limits of your commitment to your family are constantly tested by the various members of your family in the form of family functions. Some people go as far as to force you to accept help from them, to be indebted against your will. They do things you did not ask for, and claim that you owe them one.

In a friendship or a family relationship based on dependency, you become blind to the true nature of who your friend or family member is, because needs come before everything else. It is analogous to the way alcoholics are incapable of truly enjoying a glass of fine wine. In order to truly enjoy anything in life, you cannot be attached to it. If you cannot understand a relationship without mutual need for help, you have not experienced the true beauty of human relationship. And, I know how sad and lonely that feels, because I have been there myself. "

2005-02-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME LONGBOARDING WAS SO ADDICTING.

This is my first attempt at learning HTML

2005-02-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

Click Here to Make Sector 9 Your Home Page

Footprints on my Ceiling

2005-02-16T04:04:00.000-07:00

Everybody wants a lover

Nobody wants to uncover

what may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past

wanna go without a care

pull Gardenias from her hair

I think of a time we didn't have a care in the world

capitvated by her beatuy I knew it was my life long duty

she had all the grace and charm of a radiant queen