I'm sorry

Sometimes skulls are thick. Sometimes hearts are vacant. Sometimes words don't work.

updater hater

Every so often I hear a song from the 70's or 80's that simply resonates within my soul. The song I heard this evening was Burt Bacharach's music from the movie Arthur. These songs become an all encompassing experience where I can remember in vivid detail many things from my childhood in Calimesa and some things throughout high school. It almost always leads me to think about how my life is simply a million random experiences that could either be complete chaos or entirely divine.

I am amazed continually at the push and pull of life. The gospel and my family pull me in one direction and some of my dearest friends strive to push me in another. I made the decision long ago which I would follow but that doesn't lower the difficulty in life.

S is so amazing. I had no concept of fatherhood or parenting my own child. I am forever grateful for the love my father in heaven has blessed our home with.

There is so much to say that I haven't written down recently I am overwhelmed just sitting here in front of the computer. The following sums up the basic idea of things that have weighed heavily on my mind. It is a talk from conference 2010 and written by D. Todd Christofferson.

“Life offers you two precious gifts—one is time, the other freedom of choice, the freedom to buy with your time what you will. You are free to exchange your allotment of time for thrills. You may trade it for base desires. You may invest it in greed. …

“Yours is the freedom to choose. But these are no bargains, for in them you find no lasting satisfaction.

“Every day, every hour, every minute of your span of mortal years must sometime be accounted for. And it is in this life that you walk by faith and prove yourself able to choose good over evil, right over wrong, enduring happiness over mere amusement. And your eternal reward will be according to your choosing.

really?

Bad weekend. For real. Some good parts but then again some bad. I learned far more than I wanted to learn about some, who are close to me. I let a few things that have frustrated me recently take control and it showed me once again that I have much to learn. Overall this process of learning life's lessons is great but sometimes it really sucks while in the middle of a sorrowful experience. Its time I rethought some of my goals in life.

"A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply
as something to aim at."
- Bruce Lee

Parenting

Here it is, my first official entry about parenting. S is now 3.5 weeks old and I've definitely had some time to let the whole thing sink in. There are a few things that I've been wanting to get down on paper so here goes:

1. Being a father is not nearly as weird as I thought it would be. I felt a lot more awkward as a Father to be. It's funny how as new parents we truly don't know our child in any way. It takes time before we see personality in them. There is however a connection we make, inherently, knowing that the child is ours, literally from our own flesh and blood. It must be a natural or divine connection as it doesn't seem like anything I did on purpose.

2. I hate sounding Cliche about everything when I talk to other people about parenting but thats how it goes. I imagine that every father, since time began, has experienced what I am going through to some degree. I have made it a point though, to not let that get to me and when people who genuinely ask about how things are going and how I feel I try and tell them honestly even if I think it sounds silly.

3. She grows at a rate I didn't expect. I didn't realize that babies grow "that" fast. Its incredible. I'm grateful that heavenly father has helped me see the importance of cherishing every moment. Its something I wasn't really able to do particularly well before she was born. I'm glad I took the opportunity to watch her as she was a newborn. Its amazing too.

4. So far, three weeks into it, the thing I hate the most is bath time. She HATES baths and I hate giving them.

Edit: She had her first non sponge bath today and she took it like a champ. If this continues then she'll probably end up a water baby just like her momma.

5.

Life

So many people and so many different ideas of how life works and how things should be. I'm so glad i have the church in my life guide me to something consistent. thankfully the church is more than mere consistency. its truly is structure and assurance that life will work out. it doesn't matter what happens to us in life.

If you take 100 people that have all lost an arm...or one of the senses...or a loved one, and study their behavior you will find that some of them have bouts of depression or misguided anxiety. Some of them will cope positively and look towards the future with a "perfect brightness of hope". Reality is that we are given the divine ability to choose our actions in response to these extremely life changing situations. I realize that this makes it sound easy but most people know that its not.

We will all cross paths with tragedy at some point in our lives. It may be social. It may be Spiritual. It may be physical. It may be financial. No one can escape this life without pain or sorrow. The beauty in our heavenly fathers plan is that all the pain and all the sorrow can be removed from the deepest reaches of our souls.

Baby

Its time I started writing here again. I need some sort of journal and I hate writing by hand. This is the easiest way to get things down.

I, like millions of others, am going through the process of pregnancy with my wife. Its so interesting to see how individual I feel when i'm alone with my wife and I'm experiencing the emotions and feelings of being an expecting father but sometimes i also experience the contrasting emotions of being "just like everyone else" who's ever had a baby. Its silly really.

I find myself constantly trying to better things about myself on a minute level. Here's a list:

1. My sugar intake

2. Nail biting

3. Spending money

4. Being lazy at work

5. Finding motivation to finish projects at home

6. Increasing happiness in my family relationships.

7. Being more consistent in praying.

It's so obvious to me as I watch other couples that children emulate the parents behaviors extensively. I can't have my kids doing all the lame things I do. Its drives me crazy that some parents swear in front of their kids. I don't mind swearing all that much but that doesn't mean its good. and that doesn't mean my children should gain the bad habit.

When I look at some kids I also realize that many have not had the same opportunity for experience as I have had. One kid came to over to my dads house and my dad talked him into washing my dads car because he had NEVER WASHED A CAR BEFORE. He is eleven years old. It isn't that that is such a huge deal, its simply a foreign idea to me that an eleven year old has never washed a car. I can understand not going camping or not going to other countries but the simple experience of having never washed a car before.

Update

My wife is pregnant and I am dying to be a father.

The house is finally getting close to being done...at least the big projects anyway.